YOUR PRAISE MEANS SO MUCH TO ME

How very kind you are. I do, indeed, appreciate the AppleLinks, eWorld messages, and letters of praise you have expressed for SIMON SAYS. As you have surely noticed, I've set it up so that I don't feel any pressure to meet a promised date or deadline - a rather different working pace than my other assignments. However, since I find so much pleasure and satisfaction in writing this, your words of praise somehow feel undeserved.

Once at some radio association awards dinner, the late Jack Benny received a trophy and said, "I really don't deserve this, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."

Jack Benny's comic personality combined stinginess with a kind of pompousness. His character pretended to be humble and modest but we laughed because we knew that Jack was only posing as a modest person. He pretended to find it difficult to accept praise.

In fact, it is difficult to accept praise. Confidence is about knowing and accepting both what we can do as well as what we can't do and to update that list throughout life. Recently someone said to me - as though accusing me of something dis-honorable, "Arynne, you're always teaching! " It shocked her when I responded by saying, "Thank you for noticing because that's really an accurate description of me - what I enjoy doing most. And, have you also noticed that I overdo almost everything. That's also the real me."

When I care about someone, I rush to share my insights with that person. There is not a quicker way to stop my love than to inhibit the rush of my brain.

How very good it feels to know and accept who I am.

Alan Watts an American philosopher said...
"trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth."

Arynne SIMON SAYS:

Am I advising you to stand pat and refuse to grow? Of course not. I believe that when we stop growing up, we grow old. I have chosen to keep growing up - have you? I only suggest that you be wary of tearing yourself down in order to improve - to deny who you were born to be - the intrinsic you.

Q: But, do we find out about ourselves from listening to what other people tell us about ourselves? My next statement will surprise you - are you ready for this one?

A: I believe we are shocked at the positive things people tell us about ourselves. Praise often seems untrue and distant; criticism hurts but somehow seems familiar.

Because, in our hearts and minds we continually harp on the negative - what we can't do, where our faults lie, and we scold ourselves harshly. Unfortunately we know more accurately our inadequacies while we somehow gloss over our virtues. It is human nature to review ourselves from a negative perspective - to berate ourselves even as we vow to improve and to change.

Simon says...
Read:
Your Inner Child of the Past
by W. Hugh Missildine, M.D.

So it takes courage to hear and be willing to absorb praise from others - to hear the applause and to adjust the inner image of ourselves. It is most difficult to perceive or believe the good things others say about us. Confidence is a difficult strength to develop - all too easy to lose.

One of the saddest statements I ever heard was from the much loved Judy Garland when she admitted that she had never, not even once, heard the applause of an audience.

Perhaps these ideas of mine may put a different spin on many popular management and teaching styles. Many of the current books on management, about the development of personal skills cause me to groan. The stress is usually on finding flaws, areas of growth and change.

I have observed that it takes knowledge, professional training, and thoughtful intelligence to pinpoint what someone does that is right, effective and valuable. Any amateur easily finds faults, pinpoints weak spots, and demands that people change. That's not an effective management for the 90's nor is it is a a strong leadership style. Finding mistakes is appropriate only at the most basic supervisory level. An effective leader notices any lack but expresses it only in terms of what he/she wants accomplished. Not, "you are over budget again" but rather " I want budgets to be the first and highest priority in this organization." (Notice the absence of the word 'you' in this newer and better way to express yourself.)

Yes, skills can be taught to almost everyone but the best way to grow the real abilities of your people is by acknowledging their strengths and motivating them to seek new skills. Reviews and criticisms that tell them what they can't do and where their weaknesses lie, hit at the core of a person; despite the individual's assurance that he/she can take criticism, it tears them down. If they gave prizes for finding fault, some people would get rich quick!

Simon says...
No one takes criticism better than you do - they are just better actors.

You can always identify those rare few who truly know their work by whether they can focus on finding what is right rather than what is wrong. An example: my husband, Bill, is a screen writer. Often we go to films with friends who are not in the industry, and afterwards most give single word judgments - great - good - fun - lousy .. whatever. But Bill typically will identify an effective score, the clever use of camera angles, a particular scene in which an actor managed to shine. As aprofessional he knows enough to see with precision what has been done that is worthy.

Another example that goes back some years ago. A high level sales manager told me of a mannerism one of his people used during presentations to customers. He admitted that he'd been all over the guy to, "Cut it out!" because he was sure it was irritating customers. Then he called me in to fix it. I said I would but first made him promise never to mention the mannerism again to this man. Within 30 minutes of working with the presenter, his 'habit' was gone and it's never come back. I didn't fix the problem by harping or even pointing out what he was doing wrong. Rather, I observed what he did right and began to build on that. Then I gave him something to do that made the "bad" habit impossible to perform.

It's time to recognize how positive feedback produces both short and long-term benefits for people and companies.

Simon says...

Beware of trainers, friends, parents, or managers who, for your own good, tell you what not to do.

If you aim to be a leader (a skill well beyond managing) you must help your people to have the courage to be who they really are - to know and build on their strengths. There are managers and new-age guru style leaders who might prefer weak followers, needy msses, or blind loyalty. And we all know the severe downside to that brand of leadership.

So, I encourage you to show your people that you have the courage to be who you are. Be proud of updating your own skills and become the role model they are all looking for. In every way help people to have confidence in who they are. Provide them with coaches to polish their abilities rather than pushing them to take courses to change who they are.

Simon says...

Have the courage to believe the best about yourself.

It takes the most courage to be who we are. Arynne Simon functioning at 100% can often be difficult because of the hi-intensity level at which I prefer to live and work. But I regret that for so many years of my life I hid and apologized for much of who I am - showing only about 45% of the intrinsic me. I don't want you to make that same mistake.

Those of you on the SIMON SAYS Newsletter list (it's grown to over 300) accept me at the 80 to 90 percent I reveal most of the time. This is a comfort level that I use in most working environments.

Only a very few people know me at 100 percent because I recognize that initially it might be too hard for me to "fit in." Given that I need acceptance, need to be wanted, and since I love my work, I willingly bend to the 80-90% level.

But I will never forget how painful it was during those years when I thought I could only be accepted at 25 to 45 percent of me.

Simon says...
Those who truly accept themselves can really accept others.

It took me a long time, but finally I realized that it was not a good idea to work for a company or offer friendship to anyone who couldn't accept at least 80% of who I am.

It's difficult to predict who those will be. I remember a time when, because of a heavily booked schedule, and because I had heard that this company operated within the limits of an old fashioned model, I tried to discourage them from using me as a consultant. At the initial meeting with the executive team I came on at 99 percent. I told them 'powerfully' what I thought they needed; wow - did I come on strong! Then I paused and suggested someone else I thought might be more suitable to their style.

But one of the execs figured out what I was trying to do. He smiled as he said, "You can't discourage us that way. It's you we want; we think you'll add something we sorely need." I admitted that he had seen through my ploy and we had a good laugh at that. I rolled back to an acceptable 80 percent but I'm up to 90 with them now. This corporation has not only become a wonderful client but over the past 5 years I have forged many strong friendships among the people I write for and coach.

There are many rewards for having the courage to be who you are. Would I go so far as to say that the meaning of life is tied up in working towards that goal? Yes - I'd say so.

And as Bill Campbell always says, "Go for it." •

On the importance of QUOTES... I believe in the power of important quotations. I generally keep a few in my mind to think about. Whenever I need words to cheer me, I want the best that can help me. With a quote I am never alone. I can always join the greatest minds of the centuries.

In their original thoughts I can find the courage to believe in the best I can find in myself.

Some Quotes
ON OR RELATING TO CONFIDENCE

"When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one."
-Mark Twain

"One who truly thinks a lot of him/ herself thinks highly of other people."
-Arynne Simon

"In attempts to improve, know what is in your power and what is beyond it."
-Francis Thompson

"Confidence grows when you think about what you ought to do for other people."
-Woodrow Wilson

"Let your work speak for itself."
-Henry Kaiser

" Have the courage to be who you are - to speak your mind today even though it may contradict what you might have thought and said before. "
-Arynne Simon

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

"Only mediocres rise to the top in an organization that won't tolerate wave-making."
-Lawrence J. Peters

"Only a mediocre writer is always at his best."
-Somerset Maugham

"Anything you're good at contributes to happiness."
-Bertrand Russell