If A is unkind to B - who dislikes who more and for a longer time?

It's the Season of Goodwill to All - a season to be jolly - a season for rosy cheeks and smiles - a season free of anger but filled with peace, love, and happiness So where does bitterness and anger come from? I have collected a few theories about anger, and now I have a relatively new one.

It's a concept that carries a shocking depth of truth- a reality you might rather not be prodded into thinking about - at least not until next year.

But it may, indeed, be worth a few minutes of your day; the time may give new purpose to the upcoming Holiday Season.

Perhaps the idea came from a Shakespeare play, but the line that turned my awareness of anger upside down is: "It's easy to feel anger at someone - when you know you've done them wrong."

Amazing! I had always thought it the other way around - that if someone offended me, I'd hold on to my anger for a long time. But that isn't the way it really works; indeed the person who behaves foolishly or unkindly ends up being angriest for longest.

You see, in order to ease the painful feelings of guilt or shame one gets from saying or doing negative things, one must build a case against the person they have injured. Each time an excuse is found for why the negative act was done, it is possible to feel absolved.One says, "see, he/she deserved what I said because..."

Over time, the list of grievances grows longer. Each time a new excuse is added to the list, a feeling of self-righteousness settles over the person who carries the guilt or shame. But the relief lasts just for a short time and it soon becomes necessary to search for another excuse. This collected list of negatives against the injured person becomes a pillar of support for the one who has erred and now it supports the "case" against someone we have injured. We see this even in bodily injury situations when someone says, "If he had walked faster my car wouldn't have hit him. What a fool he is to walk slowly in the rain. His family were idiots to let him out that night." As long as the list of reasons continues to grow, the anger will persist..

In most ordinary situations, the person who has been harmed gets on with life, drops their hurt, disappointment, and the anger will soon wane since the injured party has no guilt or shame to deal with.

A question most people ask is whether everyone really feels guilt or shame? Unless you're working with the severly disfunctional, most people you know - even the "toughest" of parents or bosses, is simply human posessing the typical human feelings of guilt and shame. These two worthy emotions remind us of how human we are. Even if you playfully disparage a friend or co-worker, or innocently complain to a friend about a parent or child, you will, as all humans do, experience twangs of guilt or shame. Believe me, it's far better to face those feelings than to build a list of rationales against another person..

As a manager, when someone on your team holds a long time grudge against another- consider the list of complaints in a new light. Consider a new way to handle the resolution of a problem between two people who have lists of complaints about each other.

Building relationships is much easier than re-building them and in life we must learn to do both. So if there is someone who has disliked you for a long time and you can't figure out what the cause is - consider reassuring that person - in the vaguest of terms that what they did or said didn't really harm you in any lasting way.

There's much more to this subject; so let's talk about it in 1996 - after a great Holiday Season.

My wishes to you - my special friends - the receivers of this newsletter - who not only give me this chance to write but assure me that, for the most part, you read Simon Says. Let's work hard to make 1996 even better for each other.

Here are some quotes on
happiness
laughter
and hope...
... all good feelings associated with this Holiday Season.

"There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy."
- Robert Louis Stevenson

"Happiness sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open."
- John Barrymore

"Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.:"
- Robert Frost

"To be busy is man's (woman's, too) only happiness."
- Mark Twain

"For the happiest life, days should be rigorously planned, nights left open to chance."
- Mignon McLaughlin

"In order to stay young and happy we must stay uncertain about some things retaining hope as we search for answers."
Arynne Simon

"Music is the only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing."
John Erskine

"It is unwise to place people under obligations that they cannot return. When you do something for another, try to make it possible for them to do something fr you."
Minerva L. Abeles

"A friend is someone who gives you a better opinion of yourself.."
Arynne Simon

"The person who can bring the spirit of laughter into a room is indeed blessed."
Bennett Cerf

"Great ideas come through the world as gently as doves. Perhaps then, if we listen attentively, we shall hear amid the uproad of empires and nations a faint flutter of wings, the gentle stirring of life and hope."
- Albert Camus

"Happiness is like a kiss. In order to get any good out of it you have to give it away."
- ????

"What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul."
- Yiddish proverb

"Seven days without laughter makes one weak."
- Joel Goodman

"He who laughs most learns best."
- John Cleese

" He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly."
-Clement C. Moore

"Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly."
- ????