Question from a Simon Says reader:

Dear Arynne, I've heard you deride the person-to-person kind of "networking" and wonder why.

Answer:

Indeed, this relatively new activity goes against almost everything I believe in: forthrightness, kindness and loyalty. Unfortunately networking techniques have rapidly become a highly polished skill for people who believe them necessary for success in business; too many people are learning to make "contacts" instead of learning how to build solid and mutually rewarding relationships. The one element of networking that I do support is that it encourages an active rather than a passive way of extending yourself to interact with people. And, although it's too late to suggest another commandment, "Thou shalt not network," I'm glad you asked this question for it gives me a chance to urge you to learn new skills that will amplify your ability to establish and manage relationships. This is the month of Valentines Day - an appropriate time to suggest that it's best to build relationships only when you find people you genuinely trust and admire. Networking, which may seem necessary at times, is about using people and knowing that they will use you - networking is not about building real relationships.

Often it will be necessary to do business with someone - just business, without a relationship. Okay, do it - but don't overlook the essential need in your life to build real relationships. Actually, you can have many friends; I never supported the idea that people can only have only a few good friends viewing the rest as mere "acquaintances." That's not the way I live my life; I have many, many people I consider as friends and who think of me as a friend.
When I find a person with qualities I admire, I try to establish a mutually supportive alliance through which we can each recognize dependence on the other. In a constructive relationship, both people work for the achievement of shared and/or private goals. The key words in my description of a relationship are both "mutual" and "shared."

Perhaps the original intention of networking was to promote mutuality but it's become a self-serving activity focused around a "what's in it for me" philosophy. When people call for help, I'm delighted if they are straight-forward and out in the open about it. I enjoy doing favors for people - even if they are not established friends. It's the manipulative vibes in the networking style that I object to.

I urge you to do what you can for people who ask, and I certainly don't think you should look for a pay-back immediately or keep some sort of tally. Perhaps some of these exchanges can develop into a relationship - a true opportunity to extend your base of people you care about and who care about you. But learn to pick kind people and honorable people. Easier said than done because many "fun" people may not be worthy of your respect. More on that another time…