Anger that escalates into over-reactive behavior is very frightening, especially when the person usually has a very pleasant, calm personality. It is not unusual for a wife to describe her husband as "a good man and a terrific father to his grown children." She then describes "when he gets angry, his personality changes to the point that it can become frightening. He does things like slamming his fist into a wall hard enough to put a hole in the wall."

This woman and others like her should be frightened because one is right to wonder if at some point, this expression of anger might be directed more toward her and their children than towards the wall.

Typically it begins with embarrassment and apologies. When calmed down, the angry person will assure his frightened family that would never hit them. You know that he has never, ever hit anyone in his life and you are sure he never would.

But I advise that you should not wait to see if it happens. You need not break up a marriage over this behavior but once is enough. Don’t wait for a second time. Over reactive behavior will take place again and again unless angry people get a handle on this behavior , not only for the sake of the family but also for their own sake.

Dr. Les Carter, (author of the helpful book The Anger Trap: Free Yourself From the Frustrations That Sabotage Your Life suggests that "calm and pleasant" people can sometimes suppress their annoyance over little things until it erupts as a violent outburst.

Urge the over-reactive people you know to learn how to manage their anger. It is vital that everyone be able to read their own feelings more effectively. Anyone can learn to channel their anger toward more appropriate and less violent expressions. There are anger management resources available at your local library or on the Web. A new book just released by Select Books, Playing Life From Center Court - How To Live Without Anger and Fear is a fine resource and an enjoyable read. The author Dr. Arynne Simon also produces Emotional Fitness CDs that can train your brain to manage angry feelings that are growing out of control. (For some basic education on this topic, you can also check www.apa.org and look for "anger" in its list of topics.)

One method Dr. Carter uses in his own family is called "Beef Night" - an occasional night when the family eats beef and uses the time to sit down together and honestly express their irritations or annoyances. What a great idea - think of it as the Atkins diet of anger management.

Don’t think you must immediately and preemptively head for the hills if someone in the family suffers from over-reactive behavior, but you need to make it very clear that the person must demonstrate some positive change so that your family can live without fear of an outbreak of severe anger.