The Style of Dynamic Disagreement

It isn't so much about who's right and who's wrong. Sometimes it's more about the aggressive ways we try to convince each other that our way is best. In holy wars of one kind or another, fanatics typically fought each other for the right to be right. But every issue is not a holy war — or at least it shouldn’t be.

It's only human to think our way is best, that our choices are the right ones, that our ideas are better and our solutions smarter. But if we insist on always being right, we will sacrifice the extended benefits of meaningful relationships. In addition, we will miss the pleasure of exploring other people's minds. Sometimes I wonder if such explorations may be too intimate for most people.

Self-righteous extremists take to podiums and use microphones with absolute certainty that they have the only right answers. Self-righteous leaders, parents, managers or teachers use their articulate skills as weapons of verbal violence — often killing valuable interactions between people. But a civilization does not grow on ideas alone.

When communicating ideas it's important that you not measure success by how many people you clobber in your attempts to convince. Consider this an act of verbal violence. The criminal says, "My life is more important than yours." Are you thinking that your ideas or solutions are more valuable than someone else's?

People need to resist and reject before agreeing so it's up to you to state your views in a way that leaves plenty of space for resistance. Do this and, amazingly, you will be heard better and more accurately and will stand a much better chance of influencing others.

The old nugget that "the operation was a success but the patient died" fits well to this Simon Says lesson. I suggest that you learn to express your ideas in a style that suits the audience, measure your communication success by whether you have shared your ideas AND retained relationships.

If you insist on powering your perfect ideas, then I hope you will have the courage to ask yourself, "Would I rather be right or be happy?"